Is Concern within the Driver’s Seat of Your Life?

For higher or worse, concern is a main motivator within the lives of many people.  In my apply, the vast majority of the problems that I see my shoppers grapple with are fear-related.   Many selections and patterns in an individual’s life are immediately associated to concern.


A few of the commonest sorts of concern:


  • Concern of failure: Staying in unhealthy relationships or conditions since you equate leaving with failure or quitting. Not pursuing desires or targets since you don’t wish to danger having the expertise of failure.


Is Fear in the Driver's Seat of Your Life

  • Concern of non-public duty: specializing in others so you’ll be able to keep away from your position in the issue. I see this in {couples} or household remedy, the place every particular person blames the opposite however doesn’t wish to take a look at their contribution to the issue.   One other instance:   Adults who “haven’t launched” and are nonetheless depending on their mother and father though they’re totally able to caring for themselves.


Concern of non-public duty is expounded to concern of failure.  If you settle for private duty for a way issues are turning out you’ll be able to take into account that you’re a minimum of partly chargeable for how issues are turning out.  For many individuals, the concern of failure is so sturdy that they’re unwilling or unable to simply accept private duty.


  • Concern of feeling: As a way to keep away from the expertise of adverse emotions reminiscent of unhappiness, anger or nervousness, individuals will go to nice lengths to distract themselves. As a substitute of coping with their grief when somebody passes away, a person could throw themselves right into a relationship, social media, work actions, or extreme train.  Or after a divorce, an individual could start to buy, gamble or abuse substances.   These actions characterize coping mechanisms designed to keep away from or numb emotional ache.


  • Concern of lack of love or approval: People will chorus from sharing their true ideas or emotions, or associate with issues they don’t approve of in an effort to keep away from the lack of love or approval.  Folks will dwell past their means to take care of their social standing to “sustain with the Joneses,” or belong to a non secular or political group in an effort to be accepted and to keep away from the damaging reactions of others.


  • Concern of change: Typically individuals will keep in conditions or relationships just because that is simpler than having to take care of change or the unknown.


Why is concern so highly effective?


There are two existential themes linked to concern.  James Hollis, PhD, Jungian Analyst, describes these themes are abandonment and the potential for being overwhelmed by painful feelings.  Whatever the particular concern, one or each of those themes lie beneath the floor.  These themes are existential as a result of everybody struggles with them and they’re a part of the human situation.


Listed below are examples of how abandonment and painful feelings underlie concern:


Rick avoids dedication in relationships as a result of he “hasn’t discovered the suitable lady” or as a result of his “profession is the precedence.”  On a really deep degree, Rick avoids significant relationship resulting from his personal concern of being deserted after which being overwhelmed by painful feelings.


A semester away from graduating, Maria decides to drop out of faculty despite the fact that incomes a school diploma is one in all her life targets.  Her husband Jake mentioned she didn’t want a level as a result of he would handle her.  Jake needs Maria to give attention to caring for him and their residence.  On a deeper degree, Maria doesn’t wish to danger shedding her husband’s approval as this is able to be a type of emotional abandonment that would result in literal abandonment.  Upsetting her husband would imply that Maria must take care of his disappointment and anger.


Though she is a gifted author, Sasha doesn’t submit her manuscripts to publishers.  She says that she is completely satisfied working in retail, that writing is only a pastime, and there are already too many authors.  On a deep degree, Sasha fears that her writing shall be rejected or criticized (abandonment) and can’t address the sentiments related to that (concern of being overwhelmed by painful feelings).


How do I work with concern?


To start to reduce the grip of concern in our lives it’s useful to have a aware consciousness of how it’s displaying up.  Typically that is clear, usually it isn’t.


  1. Take into account the place in your life you’re caught (therefore the phrase “paralyzed by concern).”
  2. Mirror in your expertise of tension. The place there’s nervousness there’s concern, and the place there’s concern, there’s a place of “stuckness.”
  3. Upon getting recognized your fears (and there’s usually a couple of), go deeper and ask your self: “What’s the concern beneath the concern?”  How are the themes of abandonment and being overwhelmed by painful feelings linked?
  4. Use the Bus Metaphor, a way I take advantage of with my shoppers that’s useful in managing concern.
  5. Think about that every one the elements of you’re passengers on a bus. You possibly can’t kick anybody off or kill anybody.
  6. When you’re feeling anxious or end up in caught in an unhealthy scenario, ask your self “What a part of me is driving the bus?”
  7. If concern is within the driver’s seat, ask your self “What occurs on this journey when concern is driving?” The place do I find yourself?  What sights do I see?  Do I get misplaced, go in circles, get in accidents?  What’s the street like?  Is there a visitors jam?
  8. Ask your self “What would the journey be like if one other a part of me was driving?” This different a part of you would be the a part of you who needs a wholesome relationship, or the a part of you who values authenticity, or the a part of you who needs to be handled with love and respect. What’s the journey like then?  How is the journey completely different when concern just isn’t driving?


Who’s driving your bus?


There are occasions when it is sensible for the fearful a part of us to drive the bus.  The expertise of concern may be regular and wholesome.  Concern is effective and vital because it signifies when there’s hazard and tells us to proceed with warning.


Concern is dangerous when it creates a life journey lined with poor selections, unhealthy relationships and conditions, and signs of despair and nervousness.  Concern makes it not possible to expertise an genuine journey and to succeed in a vacation spot that helps and honors who you’re.


General, concern is within the driver’s seat of many individuals’s autos, figuring out the place they go, the expertise of their journey and the stops, detours, and visitors jams alongside the way in which. When concern is driving and making selections, it might probably fully alter your journey.


How would your life be completely different in case you paid consideration to who’s driving your bus?

When you took the wheel from the fearful a part of you?

If concern now not drove and went to take a seat behind the bus?


Take note of who’s driving your bus.  If it’s the fearful a part of you, gently escort concern to the again of the bus.  Let the fearful a part of you realize that they’ve been driving for fairly some time, however they don’t have to anymore.  Select a special a part of you to be the driving force.  Select part of you that may take you on a journey and vacation spot that aligns with well being, which means and authenticity.

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